He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
