i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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