I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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