i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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