I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize