the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
