saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
