i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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