mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
