I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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