I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You ruined the universe
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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