ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
