ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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