Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
