i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
