I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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