that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
