If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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