everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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