I need to stop coming to work sober
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
