I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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