Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
