I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
