Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
