There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
