Someone shit on the floor
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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