My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
