No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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