Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
