remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
