I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
