Will you blow on my dice?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So. Much. Porn.
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