Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
