he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
