i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize