sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
