mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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