the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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