Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
