she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
