i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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