True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize