Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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