i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
