dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
