i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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