I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
