Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
