Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
