If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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