your parents love me but you hate me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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