I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
