Someone shit on the floor
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Enjoy the penises
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
