dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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