Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
