i was born a porn star she said
we made out on top of his cat.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
