Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
