I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize