there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize