i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
