dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
