Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
